I feel like I’ve told you guys a lot about my newfound obsession with Theology of the Body and my Christian Marriage and Family life class. These two things have been a force for some pretty radical change and self-reflection in my life and with everything I learn it just makes me want to learn more. Last Friday (if you haven’t read it, it’s linked HERE) I told you guys about something I’ve struggled with for a long time, and how by the grace of God, He protected me from acting on that struggle.
I have never had a boyfriend. I’m almost 21, I’m a sophomore in college, and I’ve never been kissed. Gosh – I used to be so embarrassed to share that aspect of my life. In high school, the hook-up culture was so prevalent and it seemed so easy for other girls to have a ‘thing’ with a guy but for some reason, there hasn’t even been potential boyfriends in my life. It gnawed away at my confidence when friend after friend started talking to boys but not a single guy was interested in me. It always feels so petty talking about this out loud because logically as women we know that we do not need a man to complete us. I know that God is sufficient (well, I didn’t in high school but that’s a different story) and I know that only He can satisfy.If we know all of these things, then why is it so hard to actually accept them into our hearts? As I told you earlier, TOB changed my life and all I want to do is learn more about it right now. What could possibly be a painful side product of all this learning? In learning the beauty of what it truly means to be united to another person body and soul – in learning that the root of all my desires is good – it has made me acutely aware of my lack of communion with another. Every single day I recognize more and more my call to married life and it feels almost cruel for God to place this desire so intensely on my heart and make me wait so long to achieve that desire. Now, obviously, our God is not cruel. In fact, He is Love, Beauty, and Goodness Himself. So, what about my perspective needs to change on this?
A huge byproduct of my radical healing, spoken about in my last post, was that I entered into this transitional mentality. By that I mean, God revealed to my heart that if I had been in a relationship prior to that healing I would not have saved sex until marriage, even though I had already made that promise to Him in eighth grade. I may have said I was waiting but with my low-self esteem, my desire to be loved, and my problem with lust it was a recipe for a lot of brokenness that God saved me from in a radical way. When He healed me I was so excited to have this radical time of growth with Him but for some reason, I got it in my head that this was a period of growth so that He could prepare me for my husband. I was walking with God but I was never fully giving myself to Him, saving that for my husband.
Looking back on that I can admit that was a pretty unintelligent thing to do. So much of Theology of the Body is looking at how God created Eve for Adam and how the two come together but what I often forget is that before that happens Adam is in Original Solitude with God. Adam is alone in the Garden with God, in perfect union with Him. For Adam this wasn’t a transitional period or a time for God to prepare a spouse for him – it was a time to live in perfect relationship with God and for God to remind him that all is gift.
As one of my way to wise friend’s said, “It is such a blessing to be single but I often do not think of it that way. I just think of this as a “season to get through” rather than a season that God is being jealous for me and wanting me to be all HIS for awhile. How could I wish that away?” She continues, “In today’s society it can feel like it’s hopeless when you’re single and everyone just keeps praying for God to give you the right person, people take the attitude of “hang in there until God gives you someone to love, then you’ll be happy and fulfilled” which is so dumb. But It’s so hard to find the spot between desiring something and knowing God gives us desires but not making it an idol and feeling like life is not whole until God fulfills it.”Our desires to be in communion with another are good but also God wants to be with just us for a while. He desires your heart so much that I don’t know how He doesn’t get overwhelmed with Love and longing. The God of the Universe and the King of our Hearts deserves more than just to be seen as a transitional lover. Once I do meet the man God intended me to marry I can’t make him the center of my life. God has to hold that pedestal – He has to be my first and last love.
Did I have a conversation last night with Jesus about how I’m a little annoyed that I’m still single… absolutely! God wants us to be real with Him about the feelings on our heart because once we give those to Him then He has permission to enter into all the cracks and brokenness of our hearts.
Entrust your spouse to God. “Turn to Him for help. He is not ashamed to be your matchmaker” – St. John Chrysostom. But, once you’ve handed over the job of matchmaker live in the present moment with your God. Don’t let your worry of being alone or your desire to find love stop you from having a fully life-giving love story with God in every moment of your life. And trust me, this is something I need to remind myself of every day and I still haven’t quite figured it out. We’ve got a God who desires to love us so overwhelmingly in every moment of our lives and we must trust that that Love is sufficient, it spoils us, and it is jealous for us.
And if you are desiring to feel romanced by your God read Song of Songs as a love story between you and Him – it’s pretty powerful.