Hey guys! I wanted to start by apologizing for my inactivity this last week. I’ve just slowly been getting more and more tired and waking up early enough to work on stuff has been getting harder and harder. As I start coming towards the end of the semester and really reflect on how I’m doing I’ve realized one thing – I have not been taking care of myself this last month.
I recently got a new job in my school’s Marketing department and the experience from that has been so great but it took up the very little free time I had left. The three hours a day I had to do homework at a reasonable time are now dedicated to working and I’ve begun starting a three-hour homework assignment when I finish practice at 11pm – like I said not the healthiest lifestyle.I’ve always wanted to be everything for everyone. I really struggle to say no when people ask me for things and when I finally do say no it takes a lot for me to not feel guilty about it. I don’t know if any of you can relate to this but I’m realizing more and more that my schedule is filled with trying to please others and be there for others, and as an introvert who needs alone time to sustain herself, this is the exact opposite of what I need. In the very little prayer time I’ve had this week God has been screaming at me to take care of myself, to sit in silence with Him more, and let myself be and to be honest I haven’t really been listening. In the one hour of free time I have before classes I’m so done with the day that all I want to do is veg out and watch an episode of my favorite show.
Now, this is not to say that I’m unhappy – truly, truly, I am so full of joy each day knowing how blessed I am to have all these opportunities but I also think this over-commitment to the point of not taking care of yourself is a downfall that way too many women struggle with.
Maybe this is just me, but as I reflect more and more on this I find it’s root in one thing – The feeling that I need to earn the love and respect of those around me. The love of this world is so conditional and I this unconditional love that I know I can find but I keep looking in the wrong places. I look for affirmation in my abilities as a creative, I seek respect from having a stable job to put on my resume, I stress out about not spending the little free time I have with friends because what if…
Our God is sitting in front of me with open arms calling me home – a place of permanent peace and unconditional love and all I need to do is rest in Him. It’s a grace I do not yet have but I am trying to pray for it every single day because I know it’s a gift God wants to give me. Sisters, we have a God who wants to overflow our hearts with His unconditional love. I feel like every reflection out there for women just says, “Oh you just have to let Him in, you just have to rest in Him” and we are over here like, “Listen, I don’t have time for a holy hour, I’m stressed out of my mind, every time I try to pray I fall asleep, and I don’t really feel God right now.”
It almost makes me mad how easy some people try to make it seem to accept the love that God wants to give each one of us but then I realize, it is easy – human beings make it complicated. Us women overthink every single detail. A man says hi and makes eye-contact with us we start thinking what that means. A girl makes an offhanded comment without thinking about it and its all we can think about for the rest of the day. I feel like women think so so much and our brains never turn off. How are we supposed to rest in Him?
My spiritual director’s response to this – pray unceasingly throughout the day for the grace to rest. Pray and trust that your prayer is important to God and He will answer it. Trust that your prayer holds weight and that God wants you to tell Him what’s on your heart even though He already knows. Pray for peace and rest and ask for the Holy Spirit to help you perfectly participate in the receiving of that grace. We aren’t called to be overwhelmed, overcommitted and seeking the conditional love of this world. It may seem impossible right now for all of the stress and fear inside of you to just disappear but I promise you if you just trust in God (and yourself) God can truly do miraculous things.